


You're All I Need to Get By

by thismidnight



Category: The Handmaid's Tale (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotions, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Future Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-05 01:45:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,567
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17909645
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thismidnight/pseuds/thismidnight
Summary: Nick's up late looking at pictures of Holly from the time they were separated and June finds him and tries to make him feel better.





	You're All I Need to Get By

 

> _darling in you i found_  
>  _strength where i was torn down_  
>  _don’t know what’s in store_  
>  _but together we can open any door_

 

 

The nights June wakes up alone are fewer and far between now.

 

But tonight, she’d gone to bed early and when she wakes up a little past midnight, Nick’s side of the bed is still made. She frowns as she pushes the covers back, wondering if he’d even made it to bed at all. She yawns as she gets up, first checking on Holly and Hannah, both sleeping soundly before she pads to the dark living room, where she’s not surprised to find Nick still sitting up awake. Usually, when he can’t sleep he gets up and turns on old sitcoms, watching reruns of The Office or I Love Lucy, whatever he could find on TV. He liked the mindlessness of them, he’d told her once. Sometimes it was the only thing that could stop his mind from racing.

 

But tonight she finds him not on the couch with the TV on, but sitting up at the desk they keep in the corner, on their laptop, his face lit with just the blue glow from the screen. His dark eyes flick up to meet hers as she enters, so he’s aware of her presence, but he doesn’t say anything as he returns his gaze to the screen.

 

“Hey,” she whispers as she steps up next to him, running her hand along his shoulder blade, “it’s late. Have you come to bed yet?”

 

“No,” he says gruffly as he shakes his head, rubbing one hand on his face. He clears his throat as he adjusts in his seat, as June looks in to see what’s kept him up so late.

 

When they’d arrived in Canada, Luke had given June a flash drive full of all of the pictures and video he’d taken of Holly while they’d been separated. It was 14 months of Holly’s life she and Nick could never get back but she’d appreciated his meticulous record keeping as she grew, everything separated into folders by her age. _Holly, 3-6 months. Holly, 7-9 months._

 

Tonight, Nick’s lost in the 10-12 month folder, looking through the images and video of Holly’s first birthday party. They’d missed it. And next week they celebrate Holly’s second birthday, but their first with her.

 

Milestones have always been the hardest - for every new one they get together now, there’s almost always a reminder of something they missed, something that was taken from them, and this is the first major one they’ve experienced. June continues to rub her hand on Nick’s back, the realization hitting her hard as she leans in to look at the picture he’s stopped on.

 

On the screen, Holly sits shirtless in her high chair, her face, arms, and torso covered in chocolate, one chubby fist full of cake shoved entirely in her mouth as she smiles around it, her other hand smashed down flat into the small cake on the tray in front of her. On her head sits a red and yellow birthday hat with a big number 1 on it, her dark curls poking out from underneath. She’s happy and healthy - it’s really the perfect picture of a baby’s first birthday - and it nearly breaks June’s heart in half, knowing that they missed it. And when she glances at Nick, it’s clear it’s nearly broken his too.

 

“We missed so much,” he says, his voice thick, as he shakes his head, taking a deep shuddery breath as he looks up, blinking fast, trying to keep himself from crying. And that’s when June notices across the toolbar on the screen he’s not just been reliving the birthday they missed, he’s been in every folder tonight, watching their daughter grow up in a matter of hours where they’d been absent.

 

“Hey,” June whispers as she kneels next to him, putting one hand on his thigh to steady herself and ground Nick. That was something she’d discovered over the years, he was most responsive to her touch, it always seemed to comfort him more than anything. She puts her other hand on his arm and rubs her thumb gently on his skin. “We’re here now.”

 

He doesn’t respond and she watches as his jaw clenches as he swallows hard, his focus still on the laptop.

 

“Nick,” she says his name gently as she continues to rub his arm and finally he breaks his gaze from the screen and looks at her, his eyes wet, as she smiles softly at him. “We’re here now. And we don’t have to miss anything else. We won’t miss anything else.” She takes a deep breath, looking down at her hand on his leg before she looks back up at him and continues. “But she was happy and safe and she wasn’t _there_. And I wouldn’t change that.”

 

He’s quiet for a long moment before he finally nods almost imperceptibly. “I know,” he finally concedes, putting his hand on top of hers, intertwining their fingers together. “I just wish it could have been different.”

 

“Me too.”

 

She sits with him quietly for a moment before she finally leans in and kisses his arm as she rises to her feet, leaning in over the laptop and quietly closing out some of the older files, hesitating as she finds a file labeled _firststep.mov_ from the 7-9 month folder. She’s seen the video countless times at this point, and it’s clear Nick’s already watched this tonight, but she presses play anyway. On screen, a 9 month old Holly, dressed in a pink and white striped sleeper, sits in front of Moira who, when instructed by Luke, hoists her to her feet, holding her momentarily until she gets balanced and then lets her go. She stands wobbly for a few moments, both hands above her head for balance, wide smile on her face, until she finally toddles forward, confident, but never dropping her arms. She takes about five steps before she crashes down, giggling, and crawls quickly out of frame, the video coming to a stop.

 

“I can’t believe she started walking at nine months,” June says, shaking her head in disbelief, which gets Nick’s attention.

 

“Is that early?”

 

June smiles softly as she nods. She still finds it so endearing how Nick’s learning all the ins and outs of being a dad, taking everything in stride. “Oh yeah. Hannah didn’t start to walk until right around her first birthday.”

 

Out of the corner of her eye she watches Nick’s face change, his features softening as he tries to fight a smile, a proud father in every sense of the word. She feels her heart swell with love for him as she nudges him playfully with her hip. “You said she’d be smart,” she reminds him as he leans back in his chair, his lips pressed together in a wistful smile. She finishes closing out the files and closes the laptop, leaving them in the dark, the only light coming from the streetlight shining in through the blinds.

 

“Come on,” she says quietly, holding out her hand to him, “let’s go to bed.” He nods as he stands, taking her extended hand and allowing her to lead him, as he always does, down the hallway towards their room. However, instead of taking them straight to bed, she detours them into Holly’s room, feeling like Nick needs the reminder that she’s here - that they have their family. She leads him up to the crib where Holly sleeps peacefully inside, sprawled flat on her back, both arms above her head, her chest rising and falling in a slow rhythm. June smiles as she watches her - she’s always thought she looked like Nick, but when they sleep they’re the spitting image of each other. She glances over at Nick, his hands gripping the rail of the crib, looking down at their daughter, lost in his thoughts.

 

“Think of all the things we still have to look forward to,” June begins suddenly, her voice low so she doesn’t wake Holly. Her sudden statement gets Nick’s attention and he turns to look at her. “Sometimes that helps me. Instead of thinking of what we missed, I think about what we still have to look forward to. Her first day of school. When she loses her first tooth.” She smiles as she considers something else. “You’ll get to teach her how to drive.”

 

He scoffs as he shakes his head, the hint of a smile on his lips again as he contemplates her statement. “Yeah,” he murmurs, “and by then all my hair will be grey.”

 

June shrugs, feeling more lighthearted now as she reaches up and runs her fingers through the short hair on the side of his head. “I think it’ll be hot,” she teases, her eyes shining as he looks at her, electricity coursing between them until it’s too much, Nick leaning in and kissing her softly.

 

“Thank you,” he whispers against her lips before she leans into him, kissing his chest as she burrows into him, knowing he’s not thanking her for the compliment but for being there for him, for reminding him of all they haven’t lost. She lets his warmth and closeness comfort her as she closes her eyes, hoping it comforts him too, knowing they don’t ever have to miss each other anymore.

**Author's Note:**

> come find me on tumblr! i'm splitscreen over there, i'm always ready and willing to scream about these two!
> 
> major shout out to dcgal814 for fielding all of the messages about my writing insecurities and talking through things with me <3333


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